At this moment in time, or just just right now in general, everything's changing. It just feels different. These are the times when i feel emo. Like i'm not actually emo, but you know what i mean. Times when you just reflect about everything that's going on in your life. A time when everything just feels like its changing. You start to wonder what the future will bring. Right now, i have no clue whats going on actually. However, I feel like i drifting away. I'm drifting from everything that i used to hold so close to me. Maybe it's for the bad, maybe its for the good. As of right now, i'm just bewildered i guess.
Today, not much happened really. I didn't physically go to church, but i watched it on t.v i have no clue if thats a bad thing or not, but at least i heard the readings and stuff. It was on the filipino channel and the homilies are pretty wow. Today is was all about sharing and giving. Well, that's what i got out from it. The boy shared what he had with other people, and thats what caused other people to share with more people. And they just became all happy. If you don't share, it could lead into bad things. So i guess that saying does have an actual meaning, "sharing is caring". There was a lot more that i learned but i can't really think of it at the moment.
I feel like im drifting away from a lot of my friends. I see their statuses on facebook and all and have no clue what's going on in their lives. But, that usually happens anyway because it's the summer and everyone has their own lives. I don't really have a life for myself. I do, but i'm not really doing anything in it. Sometimes i even wonder what my purpose is in life. I have no clue what I even want to do in the future, and I keep stressing out about it. Time is running short, and my mom wants me to decide soon.
Ehh, I just keep rambling off into different topics. I'm sorry for whoever has the time to read all of this. I tend to get sidetracked and forget to talk about stuff so it's not really in order. I feel like a bum, I haven't done any of my summer assignments, and it's bugging me because I need to do them sooner or later. Plus, I need to start reading a book. I was thinking of going to the library soon and getting my summer reading book, and while I'm at it I was thinking of getting the book that they recommended us to read before conference.
I honestly want to make a change in my life. I progess but then I always tend to take another step back. Then that one step back turns into even more steps back. Then I draw myself further from where I want to be. I really do and want to try to attend mass daily. I feel like I would gain peace doing that. I've also noticed that when I attend mass by myself, I pay more attention and i'm not as tired. Honestly, I would catch myself falling asleep during mass. It really depends on who the priest is. On the real, I'll try to keep myself awake. It's for the better anyway, and I'll learn. I'm really striving to move forward in christ.
Oh, as for my family, I see progess. Maybe it's just me, but I feel that we're making a progress. But I just feel it, it's not really a noticable progress but yeah. I still continue to pray. My mom told me to talk to my dad like 2 weeks ago, but i just havent found the right timing for it. I'm scared too. My mom had been telling my dad stuff like how he should stop what hes doing and whatever and that I'm the one saying it. But he doesn't believe it, he just thinks its her talking and that us, his kids don't even care. That's why I want to talk to him so that he knows what hes doing and how its been hurting our family. My dad, has been injured recently, but that's all of his fault. He's been drinking all the time, and it caused what happened to him. You know, he's also bee nin a car crash when he went to the philippines? they were drunk driving, and it really pisses me off that he can't learn from his mistakes and how he can't change like all the other dads in the world. I feel like he doesn't even care about his family sometimes. That's what has been going on in the passed year, but like I said I kind of feel a progress. I've been praying to god that he can help me prepare for that day. The day when i'm finally face to face with my dad and telling him he has to change. It's not an option i'm telling him what he has to for our family.
My family, doesn't go to church, we don't pray together. That's why i get sort of scared for my family. I see everywhere, "a family that prays together, stays together" So then i think that my family will end up falling apart, just because we don't pray together. And we're not like all those families who spend a lot of time with each other and go to far away vacations. It's like once a month or so that my family goes out to each and when we all eat dinner as a family. Those are the times when I feel like I'm happy. Until my sister or brother starts fighting then its just chaos. But I get them to stop. Recently, my mom wanted to copy this doctors note for my dad. my printer wasn't working and I tried fixing it before but I just gave up. My mom however is different, she was determained to fix it. My brother was impatient with her and kept yelling at her giving her attitude. I told him, "can you stop please, and really try to be patient. that's why you guys are always fighting. cuhs you always yell back. can you just stop for once," It started to work for a while, but I just kept reminding him when he raised his voice. But anyway, my mom ended up fixing the printer. There were beads stuck in it and she fixed it. I was pretty darn amazed at how patient she was and how she was deteremained to fix it.
My mom, is really what gives me that drive you know. I honestly think she's so amazing. I just never told her. She's a hardworker and a really great person. She has a crazy laugh. I think thats where I get mine from. haha But yeah, my mom, i love her to death. She doesn't know how much she means to me though. Hopefully one of these days I could tell her. Oh, did I mention she's an awesome cook? ohman. haha Sorry for getting off topic but yeah, i'm just in awe talking about my mom. She has many imperfections but she's as close to perfect in my eyes. She often prays and all she has faith in god. She hardly attends mass though because she works everyday to pay off for everything we have and hardly has time. I was pretty happy that she wanted to go to mass with me that one time.
Anyway, I think i'll just end it there. Sooner or later I'd like to find out my purpose.
